Photo by Abby Grace Photography
This is a post that has been on my heart for a very long time. It is in part what took me until 19 weeks to announce our pregnancy publicly. What started as a quiet but consistent tugging has only grown over time no matter how many times I’ve said, “But I don’t have anything helpful to say!” And you know what? I finally realized that maybe I’m right, maybe I really don’t have anything helpful to say. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t say something.
Dear hopeful mamas-to-be who are still waiting on God’s timing: I see you. I hear you, and I am praying for you. I don’t know exactly what your pain feels like, but my heart has been broken for so many people sitting in that struggle over the last several years. The ache is so palpable, and I know sometimes the hardest thing to hear God say is “not yet.” I hear it can be very lonely. I hear there are good days and bad days. I hear that it can feel like an eternity between months. I hear that it comes with periods of anger with God for seemingly not answering prayer. I hear that it can include guilt and minimization because you know, other people are going through “harder” things. And I hear that if we’re being honest, happy pregnancy announcements like mine can hurt a little.
I definitely know that you are not alone. Whether you are waiting for that positive pregnancy test, that adoptive mama to pick you, or hey, some good husband material to show up, I see you.
We went into the decision to start trying for a baby with the full knowledge of these stories. It was scary not knowing what God’s timing would hold for us. And I have to admit that I have felt a little guilty about sharing the joy of our news. There are so many days that I don’t feel like we’ve really “earned” this blessing. Sometimes I feel like if it had been harder maybe I would be a better mom. There are days that I am hesitant to write my next pregnancy-related blog post because I don’t want to “rub it in.”
But you know what? (This part is a note to self.) Maybe my feelings are a hint that it’s time for an attitude shift. The truth is that this child’s story has nothing to do with me. God’s timing is perfect because He is in charge and because His plans are perfect. Just as it’s hard to remember that our struggles often have nothing to do with anything we’ve done, it’s also hard to remember that our blessings don’t either! I haven’t earned a single blessing in my life, and ten years of infertility couldn’t have changed that. God is knitting this little person together for His glory. He or she will live out a specific and unique story at exactly this time, and I don’t know why yet. But I do know that none of it has anything to do with anything I’ve done.
I think this can be applicable to parenting, and I’m really praying that this is the beginning of an attitude of trust in the Lord over all aspects of this baby’s life. I know that’s easier said than done, as I can imagine that when things go right or wrong with this baby I will be tempted to tie those things to something I’ve done as a parent. But instead, I want to commit this child to His sovereignty and let him or her be entirely his or her own person. This child will fail (as I have), struggle (as I have), and make choices entirely differently than I would, but it’s not about me. I will be there to shepherd and love and cheer and instruct and advise, but I want to trust God enough to always remember that our children’s lives belong to Him and not to us.
I hope that this spirit of glorifying God through the joy of this blessing comes across in my future baby-related posts. Also, know you are loved, waiting mamas. And let me know how I can best encourage and pray for you.
